You ever have a moment when you have a good idea and your heart kind of jumps a little in your chest and somehow you just know… that you just had the best idea ever?
That being said, because I know we’ve all had that happen at some point, how often do you act on those inspirations? How often do you follow those moments to fruition such that you create that idea and bring it to life?
How much of our lives are passing us by because we simply think about doing but never actually do those things that are inspired in us?
And if the goal of life is to live in the present and to live fully and honestly, why don’t we all seize those moments and run with them until we can’t?
Hell, the only reason why I wrote this post was because I felt inspired by this specific observation, so much so that I had to ask questions of it and analyze it and write it down. Our lives are so full of those ‘ah-ha’ moments that we let too many of them pass us by.
I know because I’m a chronic inspiration-let-die-er. I let the inspiration of the moment die in the face of actually doing. Its not to say that I would be better off if I didn’t, but the question of what could have been, I’m coming to realize, is far too great. If I had pursued my inspiration to fruition, who’s to say where I would be now.
So, in an effort to really hone my focus and determination, I decided to take on a 7 day fast in honor of discipline.
And I’m cutting myself short at four. Why? Well for one, I’ve been doing a lot of research and a fast longer than 3 days is usually monitored by a professional. Two, and this is the reason I’ve decided to break my fast, is because I need to focus on writing this paper that is due tomorrow (but is 8-10 pages all the same).
Why the second reason and not the first? Because I can’t focus. The whole time I’ve been fasting, all I’ve been thinking about is food. Not because I want to, because I’m confronted with it at every turn. Walking past food places in the student center, downtown, in different parts of the several schools on campus. And when I really looked at the way that food is displayed all over the place, in media, in cartoons, in books, in my mind (the worst place of all) I realized how food, of all things, dominates my life.
In an effort to define discipline, I was confronted with the fact that 60 percent of my time is spent thinking about food and 40 percent is the amount of focus I give everything else while I’m not thinking about where to eat food, where my next meal will come from and what I will eat next.
I couldn’t believe it. How could food, of all things, be such a domineering segment of the composition of my thoughts?
And I realized that this battle of discipline was about food and an effort of mine to take control of not only my thoughts towards food, but my thoughts towards every other facet of my life. My ability to commit to something until its done has been a huge short coming of mine. My wavering levels of commitment toward anything are a major source of frustration for me. In abstaining from food, I was attempting to gain control over my flighty, non-committal nature. Instead, I was forced to observe my own habits in life in an objective, not involved way. I watched people eat, was assailed with advertisements about food and I realized how disgustingly habitual and unnecessary eating is.
The whole time I have been fasting, I have not actually been hungry.
In order to actually hunger the body must deplete all other bodily resources to the point of destroying healthy tissues in order to meet nutritional needs (that is called starvation). You read it right folks, your body has to turn on itself in order for you to experience hunger.
So what we’re experiencing most of the time is a desire of the body to get energy the easy way (i.e. not from its stored resources.) Which makes me realize that I’ve been using my body a dispensary for all of the unfortunate and ridiculous cravings I’ve had in the past for food that I didn’t need. My body wants to gain energy the easy way. And my brain is willing to let it because the sensory experience is excellent. How fucked up is that?
I love food. That isn’t something that’s going to change. The thing that’s going to change is that I’ll also give more love to my body and respect that it isn’t supposed to take on unnecessary amounts of excess energy. By respecting my body I’ll there by be better able to respect my life. There were times during my fast where I felt light and free and genuinely happy. I felt weightless, my body was buzzing with activity and when I could focus, my work was 100% more exciting and engaging than any meal I could have ever eaten.
And that’s what I’ve learned from this experience. That I need to decide what is necessary in my life for me to be my very best. While fasting, I was critical of my friendships, my relationships, my family life, my financial life to really assess what is actually necessary. What I actually needed in order to not turn on my self in order to meet my needs in this life.
I learned a lot more than I set out to. And maybe I’ll try this again when I have a professional (preferable a monk) to guide me through the experience. But I must say that I’m proud of my discipline in learning from every experience that I have. And I’m excited to see what life will be like post-fast. I’m not expecting a complete overhaul after four days of fasting, but some overhaul is definitely over due and now I’m aware of it. And that’s the first step.
This was a challenging experience and to a person with the right mind set, I’d recommend it. The objectivity that comes from not participating is a benefit that I was not expecting, but one that I will be forever grateful for.
You’re not an adult yet because you think you’ve got it all figured out. You’re educated, you’ve got a job, you’ve got some people to hang out with during happy hour and you think you’ve found the secret to life. Really, this mentality is just an extension of your teenage years. You’re pretending that life is predictable and that everything is certain rather being willing to face the fact that you don’t know what tomorrow will bring and that no amount of planning can prepare for you for life’s uncertainties.
You’re not an adult yet because you think that you are owed a certain way of life or certain experiences in life. You think that society actually owes you something because of how much effort you’ve made or because of your perceived talent or privilege. You think that if you play by what you think are the rules, then you are deserving of a prize. You’re not an adult because you expect life to be fair in whatever depiction you choose to frame your conception of what constitutes fairness.
I’ve been feeling really blase lately, going through the paces and doing whats required of me: running this business, doing these papers, reporting this stuff, teaching these kids, blah blah blah.
I’m over it.
Not to say that I don’t love what I’m doing, or that I’d rather have things some other way— I’ve just been feeling like something is missing. Some connection, some feeling, some activity.. I’m not sure what it is. I’m just restless, searching for something more.
I may have found it, but I can’t speak too much on it right now because I don’t have the ability to test my ‘it.’
Either way, I’ve got something big formulating in my head. I think its going to change everything.
An end result is nice. A completed something, a feeling of closure.
A human life doesn’t end this way. In fact, it ends in death, something that can leave people feeling more lost than complete, more confused than satisfactorily ‘done’. So when people praise those who are ‘done’ living life, those who have settled down, I praise them as well. I am not one to judge how much or little satisfaction can come from living another persons life. Perhaps they have ‘finished’ living and want to do absolutely nothing else with the rest of their time on Earth.
However, I am not a fan of this concept; that after you’re ‘done’ its over. What I search for, what I watch for, what I enjoy more than anything, is watching a person grow, change and adapt. Progress to put it simply. Watching as an artist develops their craft. Artist being use here in the broadest sense, craft following that same line of thought; Seeing the progression fascinates me to no end. I’ve had the privilege of watching several kinds of artist develop and grow. Watched them go through phases of work, had the honor, at times, of being a pat of the process, earning an inside look on the words, the lines, the materials, the ideas and colors that people create and use to express themselves. When I look at my writing, when I read my old work, I can see that struggle too, that urgent need to express myself as clearly and accurately as possible. Its my craft, my art. My passion. And its my passion for expresion and progression that drives me to want to share more and share well.
I want to grow until I die. Because once you’ve ‘finished’, once you’re ‘done’ the best part of life is over..
So, I’m at home on my bed. I could (and should) be doing any number of school activities:
Sending emails, filling out applications, moving exam and paper due dates, working on homework…
Instead I’m watching Donald Glover/Childish Gambino on youtube like a fan girl and trying to convince myself not to just drop everything and become a creative nomad due to the inspiration he’s provided me with.
I’m also reminding myself that a grade in a class doesn’t make or break me.
College is weird like that. It will really make you believe that if you get a C on a paper, your whole life is 100% over.
I’m glad that even in my college experience I know that its not true. Its about your passion. More than credentials, more than accomplishments, more than anything else, people respond to passion. Passion begets passion begets passion begets.. well, you get the point.
I’m not in college for the degree. I’m in college for the experience AND the degree. The grading scales that they give students are arbitrary and awkwardly timeline based more often than not. They just want you to jump through their hoops because they view it as the only way to learn the things that they have learned, or do the things that they have done. I know that there is more than one way.
I’ve met book writers who are IT majors. I’ve met drop outs that go on to be kick-ass PR people or business consultants. I have enough sense to know that my college experience doesn’t define me, I define my college experience. And honestly, that goes along with anything that I strive for in life. My life doesn’t define me, I define my life.
Its when people give up control over their lives and become passive acceptors of whatever they feel that life has dealt them that people lose. They give up and go along with the flow of what everybody else sees fit for them.
That’s not me. I’ve been saying this since I was too young to truly understand the gravity of what I was saying: I refuse to be seen for less than who I am.
I will break whatever mold you try to fit me in. I will defy and exceed every expectation you have of me. I will go above and beyond what I should do and do everything I can.
Because there is no one who sees me the way that I see me. And I won’t stop until people do.
And accept that they don’t.
“I’ve been told that love is the biggest thing to fear, but I’ve never been afraid of falling.
What I am afraid of is that one day my heart is going to stand up and walk away without a note taped to kitchen counter saying,
‘I’ll be home soon, don’t wait up.’
”
- Kelsey Danielle
I am going to be 22 soon.
And lately, I have been caught in this place between seeing who I am, who I was, and who I could be in the future. I have these clear moments of memory, what happened to me in the past. Then I look to the person that I am, discovering those things that touch my heart. Then, there are these overwhelming and painful feelings that pull my heart into the future. Those I pay attention to the most.
Sometimes I’m alone, at peace on a beach. Other times I’m mid-chaos, getting little children ready for school. Most of the time I’m sharing moments with my future daughter, holding her hand as she experiences life, recognizing that there is a distinct difference between she and I, but feeling a deep, passionate love and adoration that goes beyond words. It brings tears to my eyes every single time.
I’ve never been the type to think that way. So wholly and pan-chronologically. I don’t know what it means. But I know how it feels. And its just as real as the clarity of my present. It is part of who I am.
And its strangely familiar, as though it already is.
The more they happen, the more I look for them.. I love to feel them. It’s how I know that I’m going down the path that feels right. It’s how I know I’m doing the very best thing for myself at that moment. Its beautiful. Painful. Wonderfully consuming. But at the same time, so completely irrelevant.
My focus is on my present. But my heart knows my future. And I trust it more each day.
